Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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