Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
