smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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