You're earring is so big in my mouth
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
