Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Randomize
