I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
