Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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