Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
So squirting runs in the family.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
