Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
