Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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