roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
