I've blown a few things in my day
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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