i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
