there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
