I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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