This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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