I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.