Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
