i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
