You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
