All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
