Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Pooping to opera.
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