ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
