M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
