I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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