i think my mom watched the whole time
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
