I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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