Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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