fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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