Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
