So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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