Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
