i dedicated my morning wood to you.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
