she was so not down for the gang bang
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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