oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
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