I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
