Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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