And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
