I think my vagina is haunted
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
