So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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