You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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