I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
