She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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