Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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