saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
