my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
