I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
