Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
