i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
