ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
