My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
