This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
We left the knife in your bed.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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