I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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