I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
