time to smoke my breakfast
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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