You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
