the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
